Happy New You

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You just might find

You get what you need, 

A new year is like a clean page in a notebook. We can start again. Often  we reflect on the things we want to be different in the new year that is yet to unfold. We may want to make changes in our lives, like finding or leaving a relationship, stop drinking or overeating too much. We may want to look for a better job. Because we think we would like these things, change can seem deceptively simple. We want change, we make efforts and get what we want. However we all know from experience that it is not so easy to get what we think we want. 

       Often people come to therapy because they want their lives to be different. Parts of our psyche resist change and it is important to understand why. For example, someone who has high standards for themselves may be compelled to indulge in certain ‘bad’ behaviour when drunk or in dreams. Jung called this our Shadow which contains parts of ourselves we may not like. Unmet needs can build up and erupt in self sabotaging behaviour.  Robert Louis Stevenson wrote about this in Jekyll and Hyde. Doctor Jekyll  was a fine upstanding citizen but whenever he drank a certain elixir, he became the depraved and self indulgent Mr Hyde. Jung described how a conscious perspective may hide an unconscious opposite waiting to be recognised. As Jung put it, ’If the tension increases as a result of too greater one sidedness, the counter tendency breaks through into consciousness, usually just at the moment when it is most important to maintain the conscious illusion’. So this could explain why just at the moment when we consciously try to change a certain behaviour that the opposite desire may also become stronger. We may not immediately notice the opposite until we are surprised by how tempted we are to go back to our old ways. 

      Central to Jung’s contribution was his view that psychological development comes from the tension inherent in opposite forces. He saw the psyche as striving for optimal development and believed that the tendency of the psyche to change things into their opposites was complementary, designed to promote balance. So if something is difficult for us and we want to change it, it is crucial to understand the less conscious part of us that doesn’t want to change. 

      For Mr Hyde, perhaps he his bad behaviour served a function. Perhaps a part of was compensating for an overly rigid attitude and perspective. Cultivating an attitude of curiosity and self acceptance is crucial. A therapist can help with this. Trying to change can open up all kinds of fears and frustration that we  avoid when we stay stuck. We may want change but need stability. In the words of Mick Jagger, what we need may not be the same as what we want. Safety is a primary human need and to have the courage to change, perhaps we need another to support us as we take those steps towards a new life. 

Happy New Year !