Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the biggest narcissist of all?

Relationships blossom when narcissism recedes.

The term narcissist is all over the internet, often used unhelpfully as a term of abuse. We all have narcissistic traits, indeed we need to have some level of investment in ourselves to survive.

But narcissistic people are self absorbed, they protect themselves to the to the exclusion of others. We may say they have a thick skin. A thin skinned narcissist has what is described as a borderline personality, reacting strongly to perceived threats to identity. We all share these traits to a greater or lesser extent.

A diagnosis can help by describing a patient’s psychology. To merit a diagnosis, it must have have caused them problems to a significant and chronic extent.

  The tricky thing about trying to understand such states of mind and psychology in general, is that we use our minds to understand other minds, so diagnosis is subjective.

Although emotional events affect our whole physiology, we make sense of them using our capacity for reflection. In contrast physical injuries can be seen or sensed. If we twist our ankle, we feel pain in that area. As the psychoanalyst and neuroscientist Mark Solms says, affect and emotions are to some degree conscious, our whole body is affected but what we think about it or how we make sense of the feeling is often unconscious.

According to Jung, Narcissism or self love, the investment of energy in promoting one’s own interests is a normal and essential aspect of psychological growth.

He believed that our essential Self is made up of archetypes, innate patterns, present from birth. We need a mind or consciousness to cope with archetypal energies. A thinking mind develops gradually through relationships with our caregivers.

Jung called the energies within us that we struggle to integrate, the shadow. Jung’s ideas suggest that the integration of both good and bad aspects of the self is crucial for healthily development.

Narcissism can serve as a compensatory mechanism that can help our personal growth. For example, we may have little self confidence in every day life but have dreams of becoming a famous singer in fantasy which give us hope for the future.

    Jungians are known for their love of myths because of how they illustrate universal truths. So the story of Narcissus warns of the dangers of narcissism. Narcissus was a beautiful young man who captivated the hearts of many, just as a newborn baby attracts admirers in optimal conditions. Teresias, the blind seer, was asked to predict the future of Narcissus. He was blind, could not see what everyone else could see, perhaps this meant he was open to his inner world which offered him an alternative perspective. He famously said that Narcissus would live a long life so long as he never came to know himself. Narcissism is appropriate in infancy but needs to be outgrown gradually as  the capacity to reflect on one’s own mind and other people’s minds develop. Arguably, relationships with other people become more important along with the capacity to love as one has been loved.

    Echo fell in love with Narcissus. She lost use of her voice and could only use his. So Echo too was dominated by narcissistic currents. Echo was susceptible to the charms of Narcissus partly because he was attractive. However, she continued chasing him when he rejected her because she was insecure. She acquired an enhanced self esteem from his grandiosity and confidence. Social media exploits this need to bask in the reflected glory of influencers and celebrities. Diagnostically, we could say Narcissus was predominantly narcissistic and Echo more borderline, her sense of identity was more fragile and permeable and she was scared of abandonment.

   Although Narcissus enjoyed her admiration, Echo suffered the fate of all who admired and pursued Narcissus. Echo asked him to lie with her and he refused. She then pined until she died. Narcissus was left alone by a pool of water, gazing at his own refection. Because he got so little satisfaction from this, he became more unhappy. He then killed himself. Apparently, a white narcissus flower sprung up where he died. To me this symbolises the renewal of life or rebirth that can come from the death of narcissism. Finally there is room for someone else!

Therapy can help someone work through narcissism by identifying the ways their development has been blocked. Our narcissistic wounds need understanding and careful exploration so that a person can take a risk and let new relationships and other people affect them so growth can happen.